Trigger Warning: Suicide
Some people don’t realize that many of us can’t go through an entire day without having repetetive suicidal thoughts.
These are thoughts that I have come to rely on over the years. They will never leave me or forsake me. They are there to support me at all times.
Safety in Chaos
Every time I drive, I can’t help but think about yanking the steering wheel and hitting trees while going 80.
I will see a gun, and the first thought that comes to my mind is that I could probably take my head off with that.
I can see a simple piece of rope and I immediately think about the nearest rafter I could tie it to.
Often these thoughts arise at the first twinge of sadness, which is why I've done my best to condition myself not to feel over the years. Because if I allowed myself to truly feel at all times, there's no way I would be alive to write about this.
Suicide is viewed differently by those who are terrified of it and those of us who have yearned for it at innumerable times in our lives. Many folks can’t comprehend the feelings and thoughts that come along with being perpetually suicidal. I can peacefully identify and feel those thoughts as truth deep in my spirit.
What many view as selfish, I view as selfless. I would be allowing the world and myself to be released of the burden of my being. While many people have never thought about suicide, I have thought through about 1,000 different ways to do it.
I have survived my mind this far, but there are days where I would rather just give in. Peace in death, regardless of the violent means to get there, is attractive oftentimes more than living.
However, I try to remind myself about the things that are worth it. Relationships are the only things that keep the blood in my veins and my brains off the walls. I know that may seem graphic, but the truth isn’t always supposed to feel comforting.
If you haven’t walked the hollow halls of your mind awaiting the moment where you might find a cliff to jump off of in order to find a deep, peaceful sleep, then you won’t understand what this means. The mind is deeply tormented. It just depends on your ability to recognize it and accept the darkness that is waiting to envelop you.
A lot of people try to compartmentalize these thoughts and pretend they don’t have them. That’s the difference between them and me. I can own the fact that there are times where my mind is one step away from losing a constant battle.
For those who may be worried about me being suicidal, allow your mind to be at ease. Living in a perpetual state of trying to figure out if life is worth living is something you get used to. Usually I don’t put these thoughts out there for the public to see, but chances are there is someone that feels this deeply.
If you’re hanging on by a thread, know that there are those of us right next to you holding on by any means necessary.
You are worth it. Your life is valuable. You have something to offer.