Beneath Rock Bottom
I will preface this piece by saying that it is not going to be a positive one. This isn’t a self-help article. This isn’t going to be some fake motivational bullshit that you find in memes or within other disingenuous expressions of encouragement. This is going to be real, and it definitely won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, yet it is necessary to speak on these things.
I am at a spot in life right now where I am so low that Rock Bottom sounds like a relaxing vacation. The losses that I have accumulated over the course of this year have been many, and they are comprised of a weight that my body and soul were never meant to bear. I have found very few glimpses of hope this year. And, even when I did, they were snuffed out before I could reach out to grasp onto something that could help me get out of this grave to which I have become so accustomed.
I am sick of people telling me that it’s going to be ok. We don’t have to lie to each other as human beings in order to create a false sense of security when one of our friends/family/acquaintances is walking through hell. I barely have the energy to tell anyone what is happening in my life, and when I do, I get hit with every corny response in the book. I appreciate the heart behind the sentiments, and I know the intentions are positive, but they fall upon deaf ears.
I don’t want people’s pity. I don’t want their unsolicited advice. I don’t want their uninformed opinions. I don’t want them to poke and prod until they unleash the underlying current of unbridled pain that is trapped beneath my veins.
I want them to stop.
Let’s be real. Life fucking sucks at times, and oftentimes it is far beyond what we could imagine. The complete shitshow that my life has turned into is beyond the point of being laughable. It has turned into an uncontrollable inferno that continues to destroy me from the inside out.
All I can do is reside within the flames and hope that I do not completely disintegrate.
People don’t want to hear about this stuff. They don’t want to read about it. Shit, they barely want to address anything negative in their own life, and I understand that. It may feel more comfortable to throw a bandaid on that gaping bullet wound and keep it moving. However, we all watch each other bleed out at times, and many of us are not as good at hiding it as we thought we were.
Life is too short to be anything but authentic. I don’t care what profession people are in. I don’t care what status someone holds. I don’t care who they know or how amazing their life appears to be.
If we can’t speak on our pain and bare our souls, then how do we find opportunities to grow?
Yea, that’s the word everyone cringes at when they read it or hear it. It is the first thing that people come running to me about when they have a hunch that I’m depressed. The record would show that I have had continuous suicidal ideation for the past 20 years. Yet, I’m still here. Not that I necessarily want to be, but I have chosen life regardless.
I know someone will get uncomfortable reading this next line, but it’s what I feel. There are days where I find myself almost begging life to pull the trigger just so that I can finally find some semblance of peace. I know the textbook responses from people who encourage me and tell me that I have value. Again, the positive intentions are there, but it bounces off me faster than it is thrown at me.
We need to be able to talk openly about these thoughts. There are so many people that struggle with the idea of wanting to take their own life. Still, the stigma surrounding self-harm and suicide is so ingrained that people would rather carry out the act instead of talking to someone due to the fact that their pain would most likely be minimized and dismissed. The fight to stay alive is something that must be respected and understood.
Many of us are so used to hanging on by a thread that we refuse to grab for anything that resembles a safety line; because we know, in the end, there are unrealistic expectations and harmful conditions that come along with reaching out to others for help.
Being buried alive underneath Rock Bottom is something I have become accustomed to. I would kill for some high-level depression right now; because I am far beyond that point. I find myself frequently peering over the cliffs that have been handcrafted by the trauma and experiences in my life and wondering if my time to jump has finally arrived.
A subhuman existence is still actual existence nonetheless. We do not all reside on similar levels of emotional stability. There should be no expectation that we will all reach a specific level of stability that is a healthy standard for all living beings. That is simply illogical, and it is ignorant to believe that it is possible.
We all walk through valleys at some points in our lives. Some of us might stop to practice what it would feel like to lay down in shallow unmarked graves along the way, but we still get back up and move regardless. There are times where some of us may barely hear the faint footsteps of the emotionally available as they walk confidently above us, and that’s ok. There may be times where I am trapped and unable to move while being stuck in such a deep cavern of aggressive darkness that only I can experience, yet I am still breathing.
I could be adjusting the pressure on the trigger of the gun that rests gently upon the temple of my skull, yet I can still choose life without anyone knowing I was 2 seconds away from finding eternal peace.
You don’t have to be comfortable with the unrelenting pain that people experience. You can be deeply concerned for the health and well-being of people you love. You can feel strong emotional reactions when reading things such as this. However, you cannot control the outcome of how someone experiences their existence.
Sometimes all we need you to do is allow us to bleed and then choose to walk alongside us in silence while we see if it’s possible to find purpose in our suffering.
To those concerned about me after reading this, please know that I am barely hanging on, yet I am still here regardless. I am taking care of myself, and I am finding new ways to address the overwhelming trauma that continues to happen in my life. No matter what your feelings, concerns, and fears might be, just know that I am still very much alive and breathing. Take a minute to accept your uneasiness unconditionally. Then understand that I know how to survive, and I will continue to do so regardless of what life throws at me.